I'm feeling good. Like, really, really, really good. Everybody said that things got better in the 2nd trimester and I'm finally starting to experience that. I almost feel normal like my old self again...except, there's a baby in me. I was having back pain for a while, but I started walking and stretching 4 or 5 times a week, and that makes a big difference with the low-back nonsense.
We had our 20 week ultrasound last week, and apparently baby girl was not in the right position to get a good view of all 4 chambers of her heart or the profile of her face.
Let me tell you something, if you thought you were a chill person before - have a baby. There's a nagging worry I've never experienced in my life when they say anything other than the baby is perfect. I ride that worry like a giant, galloping, wild horse bucking all the while.
Also, at these anatomy ultrasounds they measure all the baby's little parts. As they scroll over her head and measure it, it's exactly the size it should be for her age. Then they measure arms and legs, which are two or three weeks ahead of schedule. My 20 week old baby had the legs of a 23 week old baby. We assumed she would be tall since our sperm donor is 6'6". And if something is going to be big, I'd like it to be limbs and not her head since I'm still not convinced that chart in the doctor's office showing a cervix dilated to size of a bracelet is a real thing that can happen.
Anyway the midwife calls with the ultrasound report and since baby girl is big, they want me to do an early test for gestational diabetes. They also want me to have another ultrasound because they need to see that her heart is complete. All the while they assure me that everything is probably fine, and don't worry, we're just making sure. Mmmmmm hmmmmm. Totally. I'm just sitting here not worrying atop this crazy beast trying with all its might to throw me.
The good and fast news: no sign of gestational diabetes.
We scheduled a second ultrasound where they were able to see her face, which is normal. They also see all 4 chambers of the heart. Yayyyyy!! But, then, the doctor calls me today and says that while they did see the 4 chambers there was some kind of shadow in there which they believe was just capillaries or something, but could also be an indication of chromosomal abnormalities. I've already done lab tests for that which came back normal, but you know the drill. Everything is probably fine, and don't worry, we're just making sure. Mmmmmmm hmmmmmm. Totally.
Schedule a level 2 ultrasound at Walter Reed and ride that sucker til' the wheels fall off.
I don't want to sound bitchy, but their reassurance is about as useful as tits on a bull. I go out and spend $200 on maternity clothes for retail therapy, because my heart is heavy and I need a distraction.
It fascinates and frightens me that the entirety of my life is wrapped up in a person I've never met. How can you love someone so much that isn't even really a someone yet? It's a strange feeling. It's deeper than anything I've ever felt. Being so connected, so tied to someone that's just a dream. One that's slowly coming to fruition, but still not quite actualized. Parents always try to describe it, inevitably failing, with the only explanation that: one day, when you have kids of your own, you'll understand. And I do now. Fingers crossed, saddle ready, I do.
In lighter news, I feel her moving around all the time. Little blips and rumblings. It's a nice feeling. And honestly, before today, I was marveling and how incredibly happy I am right now. I'm still happy, but now also worried. But, I can hold both of those feelings. My heart is big enough for that.
Oh, and I kinda look pregnant, y'all! Well, here's a photo in my new maternity clothes. Judge for yourself. It's still a little ambiguous, which means people aren't like "oh my god, when are you due?", because let's face it, no one wants to be the asshole who mistakes a fat lady for being pregnant, when she is just, in fact, fat. But, I'm actually pregnant! So, you can totally say that to me. Oh, well, I know I look pregnant. Check me out, y'all.
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