Heart Strings

21 weeks and counting!

I'm feeling good. Like, really, really, really good. Everybody said that things got better in the 2nd trimester and I'm finally starting to experience that. I almost feel normal like my old self again...except, there's a baby in me.  I was having back pain for a while, but I started walking and stretching 4 or 5 times a week, and that makes a big difference with the low-back nonsense.

We had our 20 week ultrasound last week, and apparently baby girl was not in the right position to get a good view of all 4 chambers of her heart or the profile of her face.

Let me tell you something, if you thought you were a chill person before - have a baby. There's a nagging worry I've never experienced in my life when they say anything other than the baby is perfect. I ride that worry like a giant, galloping, wild horse bucking all the while.

Also, at these anatomy ultrasounds they measure all the baby's little parts. As they scroll over her head and measure it, it's exactly the size it should be for her age. Then they measure arms and legs, which are two or three weeks ahead of schedule. My 20 week old baby had the legs of a 23 week old baby. We assumed she would be tall since our sperm donor is 6'6". And if something is going to be big, I'd like it to be limbs and not her head since I'm still not convinced that chart in the doctor's office showing a cervix dilated to size of a bracelet is a real thing that can happen.

Anyway the midwife calls with the ultrasound report and since baby girl is big, they want me to do an early test for gestational diabetes. They also want me to have another ultrasound because they need to see that her heart is complete.  All the while they assure me that everything is probably fine, and don't worry, we're just making sure. Mmmmmm hmmmmm. Totally. I'm just sitting here not worrying atop this crazy beast trying with all its might to throw me.

The good and fast news: no sign of gestational diabetes.

We scheduled a second ultrasound where they were able to see her face, which is normal. They also see all 4 chambers of the heart. Yayyyyy!! But, then, the doctor calls me today and says that while they did see the 4 chambers there was some kind of shadow in there which they believe was just capillaries or something, but could also be an indication of chromosomal abnormalities. I've already done lab tests for that which came back normal, but you know the drill. Everything is probably fine, and don't worry, we're just making sure. Mmmmmmm hmmmmmm. Totally.

Schedule a level 2 ultrasound at Walter Reed and ride that sucker til' the wheels fall off.

I don't want to sound bitchy, but their reassurance is about as useful as tits on a bull. I go out and spend $200 on maternity clothes for retail therapy, because my heart is heavy and I need a distraction.

It fascinates and frightens me that the entirety of my life is wrapped up in a person I've never met. How can you love someone so much that isn't even really a someone yet? It's a strange feeling. It's deeper than anything I've ever felt. Being so connected, so tied to someone that's just a dream. One that's slowly coming to fruition, but still not quite actualized. Parents always try to describe it, inevitably failing, with the only explanation that: one day, when you have kids of your own, you'll understand. And I do now. Fingers crossed, saddle ready, I do.

In lighter news, I feel her moving around all the time. Little blips and rumblings. It's a nice feeling. And honestly, before today, I was marveling and how incredibly happy I am right now. I'm still happy, but now also worried. But, I can hold both of those feelings. My heart is big enough for that.

Oh, and I kinda look pregnant, y'all! Well, here's a photo in my new maternity clothes. Judge for yourself. It's still a little ambiguous, which means people aren't like "oh my god, when are you due?", because let's face it, no one wants to be the asshole who mistakes a fat lady for being pregnant, when she is just, in fact, fat. But, I'm actually pregnant! So, you can totally say that to me. Oh, well, I know I look pregnant. Check me out, y'all.

Fat Mama

Ok, so I'm a little behind in my blogging. We had a houseguest for a while, then took a mini-vacay to Charleston, SC, and blah blah blah, you don't want to hear my excuses. I'm back! I have an unexpected juicy update, too.

18 weeks, y'all!

Remember when I said everyone was lying about things getting better in the second trimester? I would like to recant that statement. Things are better. I'm not nauseous (as often), and I can actually stay up past 9:30pm (alllll the way 'til 10:30 now).  I've had some mild headaches, but they're manageable.

The other thing is, I've started to gain weight. Having been fat for over two decades this doesn't necessarily freak me out. I mean, it's not like I'm not holding myself to some impossible standard of thinness. However, I do take seriously the statistics linking obesity to higher rates of gestational diabetes and other complications during pregnancy. I did a ton of research on this when I first got pregnant, because I was really worried about it. I realized that I had to find out concrete numbers, because there seems to be a lot of fear mongering going on for big women. Without boring you with a bunch of numbers, let's just say that the vast majority of women, fat or otherwise, have healthy normal pregnancies and babies.

So at my last prenatal visit when my CNM told me that I was gaining weight too quickly, I kinda gave her the side eye. I've gained 7 pounds. I asked her how it was possible that I only gain 20 pounds during this whole pregnancy when (according to the book they gave me) the baby, fluids, placenta and all that other baby stuff weighs 20-25 pounds? You're essentially asking me to lose weight. She said that large women have extra weight already so they don't need to gain anything. She asked if I'd like to be referred to a nutritionist, and I don't think I'm being unreasonable when I say that someone should give me an award for not telling that lady to go fuck herself. Listen lady. I can't drink wine. My back hurts. I'm finally capable of eating something other than saltines and ramen noodles! Sleep, my best friend in the world, is now hit or miss.  I have constant anxiety about the fact that having a baby is one of the very few things in the world that a person can do that can never be undone. Ever. If I want a piece of chocolate cake, I'm going to eat it, and if you don't like it - TOUGH. That doesn't mean I've forgotten those statistics. It means I make it to the gym a few times a week for aqua aerobics classes. It means I drink plenty of water. It means I take care of myself, but I also allow myself to indulge in food when I would like, within reason. I think me and Baby McCall are gon' be alright.

Now one thing that I was sort of worried about being a fat woman is that I wasn't going to look pregnant. I wanted the baby bump you see in the movies. They look so cute. I'm fearing I'm just going to look fatter, not pregnant.  Lately, Baby McCall has been pushing my fat up and out which is making me look fatter, but also kinda pregnant. Maybe too pregnant. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. Don't judge this quick photo I snapped in my hotel room below.

Speaking of Baby McCall. We have (drumroll please) a baby girl!!!! I'm not naming any names (I am pointing at my wife) but some people couldn't wait until our 20 week ultrasound and made us an appointment for a quick peek at Peek-a-Boo two weeks ago. I went along with it mostly because I really just wanted to see the baby. I get kinda of worried between doc appointments about whether everything is ok in there. The wife was a little disappointed, because she wanted a boy, but I think we're both glad that she seems to be progressing really well. Oh, and this is Baby McCall!